My son, as it turns out, had an infection in his middle ear, causing the middle ear to press down on one of the cranial nerves which resulted in his partial facial paralysis. There was also an infection directly on this nerve, further complicating the matter as we weren’t certain the nerve would ever fully regenerate. Three months later, and his face is almost fully recovered … as are we as a family from the ordeal. As I related in my previous post, the event changed me when it came to how I regarded Fate – and the change seems to have stuck. I’ve also chosen a new path for myself to follow, although I won’t officially start studies as a druid for some time to come. I heard recently that the druid is already within, and the studies are meant to coax it out … self studies should therefore help with much of the preparation leading to formal studies. I would say I’m turning over a new leaf with this; but looking at this blog, its theme, and much of its content, I’d rather say the leaf is an old one … however my examination of it is new and I must admit, exciting.

Yesterday was an important day for the lives of my son and all the lives he’s touched in his first year in this world. He was recently admitted to the hospital for what could have been a life-threatening condition; and yesterday he had a test that ruled out the last of the possible life-threatening conditions, thus clearing the way for him to finish up his intravenous antibiotics and come home around the end of this week or the beginning of next week.

First, I can’t begin to describe how elated I am about my son coming home. And relieved. And thankful. Second, I am compelled to say that this has been a humbling experience for me … my wife and I placed our son’s life in the hands of other people, prayed to the gods and spirits to intervene on our son’s behalf, and ultimately waited for Fate to make its will in this matter known. True enough, I felt at times powerless through this experience; but I don’t wish to confuse humility with powerlessness. Throughout this experience, I was aware that something greater than me was at work – and I learned most from my infant son how to face Fate without haughtiness or arrogance. I learned that, despite all the reasons I’ve had to curse Fate, I’ve also reasons to be thankful to Fate.

It was Sir Francis Bacon who said of superstition that it observes when a thing hits, but not when it misses … I have to admit that I’ve been doing this where Fate has been concerned. This experience with my son has therefore not only instructed me in how to curb my arrogance in dealing with Fate, but how to open my eyes and see both sides of Fate, and alter my superstitious attitude.

Many describe the truth as a sort of golden light, a light I believe can blind as effectively as darkness can. Ten, maybe twenty years ago, I was interested in finding the truth; and in retrospect was pretty arrogant to believe I could even grasp something so enormous that it takes all of Nature just to encompass it. Nowadays, I am still seeking and trying to find; but now I seek a path, a way, and I leave the seeking of truth to more formidable minds than mine.

I was just wondering whether or not Nature created purpose, or whether Nature was created on purpose?

Regarding many things in my life, I’ve determined that I will be taking a more humble approach by trying to unlearn some of what I think I already know. I want to wonder again.

One of my wife’s friends died recently, and in trying to console my wife, the Tennyson quote just sort of sprang up as though the words and belief had been with me always. This isn’t the case, though: when people close to me died, I felt the part of them that I carried die as well, so consumed was I with grief. It’s only been after time and healing that I was able to talk about these people and, by removing the scars left by their passing and through honoring their parts of me, help them to live further in our world. It really is like a butterfly effect, the way in which we are influenced by the ones we encounter (and vice versa) … and the ways in which we live on after death are as myriad as are the various souls we encounter in our life’s journey.

I’ve been in a dubious phase the past few days, and I have to say I’ve rather enjoyed it. I don’t know where it came from, but I’m glad it’s here. It’s enabled me to see through a few layers of act and illusion, and it’s allowed me to be critical without being unfair or outright paranoid. My thoughts have also been drifting a lot toward religion over the past few weeks; and the skepticism and religious focus have now officially collided in my mind. The result of this collision is that I’m going to start looking at religion from a vastly different perspective in the future.

First, I don’t doubt the existence of gods or Nature; but I do start to doubt religions that fail to emphasize the personal nature of one’s path to the gods, just for the sake of dogma, tradition, or getting a few more followers. This criticism applies to monotheists and pan/ polytheists alike.  It feels wrong to me. It feels wrong that so many people are led (in some cases forced) to believe that one group’s path is the only ‘true’ path, and that participation in this path is mandatory if one wishes to reach the gods. It feels wrong that so many people seem bound and burdened by belief, rather than liberated by it.

I believe, with growing certainty, that we each have our own personal paths to explore. Like with real life paths, it is possible and sometimes desirous to have companions along the way; but each will still experience the shared path differently, and I believe this is the way it should be. It is also possible to reach the same destinations via different routes or paths. I am also starting to believe, with growing certainty, that fear and shame should have no place in religion. These are social control mechanisms, and religion should be less about social control, and more about journeying through life to the gods. Social control is better left to the realm of law.

Something occurred to me the other day, perhaps as part of the clarity that I usually experience when coming out of an empty period, such as the one I was in for the past several months: Mt. Everest was once part of the sea floor, before rising to become the world’s highest elevation. Is our own potential so different?

Where you find the laws most numerous, there you will find also the greatest injustice.
- Arcesilaus

Although literal obedience to rules is already a part of my upbringing, and thus a part of me, I’ve determined that it doesn’t have to be this way for my son … I’m not thinking of teaching him to break or ignore rules, but I want him to learn how to bend them after critical examination. I’ve seen people who adhere dogmatically to every rule, who go very little distance in life or love; and I’ve seen people bend and break rules and go everywhere. My own experiences have shown me that I often get further along the way when I step off the beaten track a little. While I don’t necessarily wish ‘everywhere’ on my son, I do wish for him the chance to go where he will in life, and not go where he is directed by those few who make all the rules (or by those who follow them, for that matter).

Essentially, I would wish for him to learn to follow his heart, instincts and own mind as well as he learns to follow rules and other people.

It would seem as though the past time, since my last post, has been one of rather uninspired emptiness. Good things have happened, for which I’m grateful; but it seems like things just don’t ‘reach’ me the way they normally should. I believe this is a phase, and I hope to be out of it very soon. Some of the good things that have happened are that my son and wife are both in good health and my son is developing at the rate he should be, if not a little faster. I am soon to be in touch with a very dear friend, with whom I’ve not spoken for around fifteen years. We are also going to receive visits from family and friends in the near future. My son will start pre-daycare soon, as well – a milestone and tremendous social and learning opportunity for him, and a few hours per day where I won’t have to get the household squared away one-handed.

Regarding the Hoffer quote, I found it instantly appealing because my mind lurched and I thought of two possibilities for ‘hiding’ emptiness. One possibility is that one stretches his or her self to cover the emptiness … this carries the double pitfall of not solving the emptiness, and taking what’s left of the self and spreading it too thin. It is, in essence, trying to plug holes in the dyke with one’s fingers – eventually, the holes show up in places you can’t reach, and there are more holes than fingers. The second option that came to my mind was to try to fill up the emptiness as much as possible with self and surrounding life. While this may or may not be enough to actually ‘solve’ the emptiness, it seems to me that it certainly heads in the right direction. It fortifies and condenses the self, rather than trying to spread it too thin; and the best and only way I know of to really hide a hole is to fill it.

While writing this, it occurred to me that a third option exists: do nothing and let the emptiness fill itself back up with time. My life has taught me the cyclical nature of things, that things come and go; and I could easily sit back and say that the emptiness I’ve been feeling will pass in its own time. But I don’t think that would be fair to the ones around me who care enough not to want to see me feeling the way I’ve been feeling. So, with Hoffer in mind, I’ll opt for the second option and try to fill this emptiness I’ve been feeling … I’m done with stretching myself thin by trying to hide it, the little cracks are already starting to show; and I don’t have the will to wait this one out.

Or is the emptiness really there in the first place?